Why don't you love me?
by ForeverFlowering1219
Summary: Olivia is struggling with her inner self to get over someone who will never love her back, what will happen when one Casey Novak decides to take it upon herself to help Olivia forget this woman?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the L and O characters I have simply used them to make my own fantasies come to life.**

**Author's note: I had to create a fictional character to make this story work in my head but this is the story of how Olivia Benson and Casey Novak came to be. I can relate to this more on a personal level than my other stories so in a way I can be easily placed into the main character's shoes; Therefore, this will more than likely begi drama, get worse, hit rock bottom, and then hit a whole game changer. It has hopefully become clear who my favorite SVU detective is and I figured I'd complete the trifecta by pairing her with the one and only Casey Novak. We'll see how that goes. :) Enjoy your read and as usual reviews are welcome.**

"Do you realize that what you're doing is causing both of us pain that could be avoided?" I ask grabbing her arm to keep her facing me.

"What are you talking about?" She tries pulling her arm from my grip but I hold steady.

"I've been in love with you since the moment I realized that you felt the same but all you've been doing is torturing us both." I say softly loosening my grip on her. "Do you ever think about what it would be like if you just gave into temptation? What it would feel like if you would just let me in? I know I'm not those guys you normally go for and I may not even be what you want but all I need is one chance to prove to you that I would never make you feel the way that they do. I will never try to break you." She looks conflicted as her face begins to redden and her eyes water. "I can't keep watching you hurt because of those jokes that you date. I wont."

"It's not that easy for me. You've been out but even for you getting to this point has been hard. I'm not sure I'm ready for that." I drop her arm and place my arms by my side. She looks hurt as a fresh tear slides down her cheek. I hesitate to wipe it away but when she doesn't turn away I know it's alright.

"You deserve so much more than what you get. I wish you would let me give that to you." I almost whisper to myself as I let my hand fall away from her once again. "But I wont force you sweets." I respond pulling on my jacket and making my way to the door.

"Please don't go." I hear her say quietly as I reach for the door knob.

"What do you want from me?" I question not even turning around.

"I want you to stay." She whispers as I feel her getting closer.

"I can't do this anymore than you can. I'm tired of fighting for someone that'll never love me back."

"Why can't we just be freinds? Why does it have to be more than that?"

"Do you not think I ask myself that everyday? I don't want to love you. I wish I didn't but I can't just be your friend anymore and I can see you don't want me as more than a friend." I respond opening the door and leaving before she has the chance to respond. I hear her calling as I walk down the stairs of her appartment and I don't pick up my cell phone when I feel it vibrating as I get into my car. I fight my tears as I drive through the streets of the city but it isn't long before I have to pull over and give in to my tears. I rest my head on the steering wheel as my tears begin to flow freely and I don't contain my sobs as they start to come. _Stop fussing over her. _My mind tells me. _She doesn't want you and you deserve someone that does. _I continue to cry and when I finally can't anymore that's when I truely understand my own foolishness. _You're not foolish. You love who you love. _My heart cries. I check my phone to six missed calls and two texts all from her in the five minutes I've been gone. I open the texts and regret it the moment I do.

_**"Please don't be mad at me. I need you. I'm just so confused. ~ Kyla"**_

_**"I know this hurts you and you have been nothing but patient with me. I do have feelings for you. You are beautiful and amazing and everytime I dream of kissing you I wish it were the real thing but I've been seeing someone for six months. I'm sorry that I'm just telling you this because you truly are my best freind but I can't do this without you. ~ Kyla"**_

_**"How do you hit on someone when you have a boyfreind that they don't know about? It's things like that that make me think you really don't need me. I don't know what it is you me expect of me. You keep sending me mixed messages, making me feel like you feel the same, and you expect me to just push that aside? Is this guy a jerk too? I am trying my hardest with you but all I get is more confused and the best you can do is tell me you have feelings for me but you have a secret boyfriend. I bet you weren't planning on telling me about him, were you? I would have eventually found out though, one of our friends would have said something and I would be sitting there looking like a jealous idiot because I had no idea. I was right I dont think I can do this anymore." **_I respond still sitting on the side of the road.

_**"Why are you so upset you knew that you wouldn't get a chance? ~ Kyla" **_I get a short while later. I scoff at the message.

_**"What the fuck do you mean?! You litterally just told me that you dream of kissing me and you wish you had the real thing but now you're saying I don't have a chance! Don't say shit like that if you aren't feeling it! It pisses me off more when people play with my heart like it isn't worth a damn to them. I understand this is hard for you, believe me I do, but my heart is too fragile for this. You need to make up your mind." **_A nock on my drivers side window startles me back into reality and I blindly throw my phone into my bag after sending the message. I turn to meet eyes with the emerald green ones of one Casey Novak. I roll down the window for her.

"Liv, everything alright?" She asks looking worried. I nod.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I answer half heartedly.

"I was just on my way home when I spotted you sitting here and I figure I'd come check on you. You sure you're alright?" She asks again caringly.

"You know, I'm actually not." I answer sadly. I watch her as she walks around the front of my car and makes herself comfortable in my passenger's seat.

"You want to tell me about it?" She responds turning to face me in her seat. I shake my head. "How about a drink? My treat." She smiles softy.

"I could surely use one." I comment easily, starting my car. "Where to?" I ask turning into traffic.

"Surprise me." She answers as I see her give me a worried look out the corner of my eye.


	2. Chapter 2

"So you ready to talk about it?" She asks as I stare down the neck of my second beer.

"I'm selfishly in love with my best friend." I answer bluntly, not bothering to look up.

"Why is that selfish?" She asks softly.

"I would rather see her alone then with a guy because I would rather her be with me." I mumble.

"Have you talked to her?" She questions.

"I have." I answer lifting my beer to my lips and taking a long sip.

"And?" I make eye contact for the first time tonight.

"She feels the same way but she's seeing someone. I have never had someone make me feel so special like she has. She makes me feel like I'm desirable and attractive, then she dates these jackasses that make her feel like shit about herself but I never get the chance that she keeps leading me to think I will." I respond, not sure it made any sense.

"There's more." She pushes.

"Of course there's more. There's always more. I never thought I'd be one of those people that is being torn to pieces by someone that can never be theirs all because that person wants to have it all. She wants me then she doesn't, she dreams of me then she dates jerks, flatters me then rips my heart out. I'm not sure what it is she wants." I continue pushing around the fallen peanut shells on the table.

"Maybe that means you have to be the one to put her foot down. Help her figure it out." She comments smoothly.

"I can't help her. She doesn't want to be helped, that's clear enough. Tonight I confronted her but that was before I found out about the guy she's been with for six months." I shake my head before finishing my beer. "I don't want this to end our friendship but I can't keep putting myself through this."

"And you shouldn't have to Olivia. It's hard to lose a good friend but you have to do what's best for you." I nod. My phone vibrates for the fourth time since we came in and this time it's a phone call. "You should answer that." She says watching me fight myself internally. "Let her explain." I don't want to but I slide the slider on my iPhone and place the phone to my ear.

_"Are you ok? I was so worried something happened." _ She blurts.

"I'm fine." I answer coldly.

_"Please don't be mad. Come back, we need to talk."_ She pleads.

"I'm all talked out."

_"Please?" _She begs. _"I know you're hurt-"_

"Actually you don't know the half." I cut her off. "I don't think you understand even remotely what you've put me through, but you know what? I don't blame you, I blame myself for not stopping this before it got too far, I blame myself for hoping on something that in the back of my mind I knew wouldn't work, and I especially blame myself for not having better control over my own feelings." I respond starting to tear up but managing to keep my voice low. "Kyla I can't keep playing these games of flirting or whatever it is that we do. I think you and I need to take a break so that we both have the time to sort out our own feelings." I hear her soft gasp at the other end.

_"Olivia, what are you trying to say?" _She questions quietly.

"I'm trying to say goodbye. I no longer want to cause you confusion or make you have to choose because I love you enough not to put you through that. I'm making it easier for you."

_"You don't have to do this." She presses._

"I do." I answer easily.

_"Fine." _

"Fine. I'll be by to pick up my stuff tomorrow." With that the call is ended and I'm again sitting here debating on my decisions.

"How did she take it?" I shake my head. "It had to happen. It's better for the both of you." Casey says resting her hand on top of mine.

"You know I'm not sure." She squeezes my hand.

"I am." She smiles. "And as a matter of fact I'll prove it to you."

"How would you do that counselor?" I respond watching her put money on the table for our drinks and leading her outside.

"You and I are going dancing." She smiles as we walk to my car.

"What makes you think I'M going dancing?" I ask getting into the driver's seat as she gets into the passenger side.

"Because I'm going to get your mind off of this sadness and you are going to go have some fun."

"Casey, I don't know about that." I answer starting the car and putting it in drive.

"You don't have to, I'll know enough for the both of us." She frowns. "Come on. It won't hurt, my treat." She adds. I groan as we turn into traffic.

"You know adding 'My treat' to everything won't always get me to go." I respond.

"Sure it will. Who would pass up free fun?" She smiles. "I hate to see you upset Olivia." She adds seriously. "Right now as your friend I want nothing more than to make you happy so that you aren't dwelling on this woman who clearly doesn't know what she has missed out on." I smile.

"That worked. Where to?" I ask turning onto a very busy street with a lit up building and a line wrapped around it.

"How about there?" She points to the raging building.

"Casey, there's a line wrapped around that place." I respond parking.

"And?" She smiles taking off her blazer and unbuttoning a few buttons on her shirt. She pulls her hair from its perfect bun and lets her red locks fall around her shoulders to frame her face. "I've got us covered." She responds as I take the time to let her change in demeanor sink in.

"Sure." I answer as we get out of the car and she grabs my hand as we make our way across the street to the crowd of people. I'm surprised when she doesn't stop at the end but instead goes right to the front where a very scary looking man is standing in front of the door. He and Casey share a stare that could possibly be one of recognition before he promptly moves aside. She pulls me into the sea of bodies and the loud pulsing music and flashing lights take over my senses as I feel her pull me towards what I suspect is the bar.

"What can I get you ladies?" The bartender yells over the music.

"I'll have something fruity and my lady friend here will have a scotch." Casey orders for us both. I slide onto a stool as she does the same.

"You know my drink order." I respond as our drinks are set in front of us.

"Sure I do Detective, drink up." She winks as she takes a big gulp of her 'something fruity'. I start to feel the music as the amber liquid slides down my throat and burns my chest. "Let's dance." She yells over the music as she sits down her empty glass and grabs my hand once again, leading me to the dance floor. She doesn't let the eyes of the many younger club goers around us phase her as she lets the music take control of her body and she takes me right along with her. I eventually give in to her as we move our bodies together and it isn't long before I actually begin to enjoy myself. We dance along like two 20 year olds for I don't know how long and neither of us notice when the music begins to slow down and we are thrust into a wave of slow moving bodies as the couples around us move to the slow mix. She smiles as we make our way back to the bar.

"I must say, I'm actually enjoying myself." I say close to her ear as she orders us another drink.

"I told you." She says placing her hand gently on my knee as I take a sip of my drink.

"So the bouncer... You know him?" I ask casually, happy the slower music is quieter so that we can hear each other. She chuckles.

"You could say that." She answers resting her head in her hand. "I dated his sister." I raise my eye brows in shock.

"Oh?" I respond dumbly.

"You can't be that surprised Olivia, I'm sure that has come up at least once." She laughs.

"That you're gay?" I shake my head. "Nope."

"Well now it has." She comments looking out over the swaying bodies.

"You know if you want to dance..." I shrug as she turns back to face me.

"That's alright."

"Are you sure? It's no trouble." I add finishing my drink.

"Ok." She answers hesitantly. This time I take her hand and I lead her silently to the middle of the dance floor. "Do you want to lead?" She asks as I take her into my arms. I nod wordlessly. We move easily to the music and our bodies fit perfectly together. Time seems like a distant memory as we both become too entranced with the other to even keep track of it. "Not bad." She whispers as I pull her a little closer.

"I said I didn't dance not that I couldn't." She laughs.

"So detective, how are things with the squad?" She asks casually playing with the tips of my hair. I nod.

"Everything is alright. Our last case had us a little messed up for a while but things are much better."

"I'm glad to know. That last case was a doosie, sorry I couldn't help more."

"No, you did what you could. None of us could take the blame for how that turned out. We just need to move on." She rests her head on my shoulder.

"This is nice." She mumbles after a few minute of silence. I look at my watch to see that it is already past 2 am. _Has it been 3 hours already?_

"You know counselor I'm off tomorrow if you're free to hang out." I respond.

"Really?" She asks sounding surprised. "That would be nice." The music stops and the Dj gives us the signal that things are about to speed up again. "Come on." She smiles pulling me towards the exit and into the night air where there is still a lingering line of party goers. We walk past them and back to my car where she rests against the passenger side. I stand next to her.

"Thanks." I mumble as we stare at the night sky together, the music from the club still prominent in the background.

"Just doing what a friend does." She responds.

"I really appreciate that. I know you didn't exactly get the warm welcome that you deserve and it touches my heart that you are able to get past that and still help me out." She laughs.

"I get over things very easily. It's pointless to carry a grudge so I don't. What happened with Cabot was an unexpected traumatic event and I don't take it personally that you were upset."

"I have to get some things from Kyla tomorrow so what about lunch after?" She smiles yet again and I can't help but to smile back.

"My place? 2 sound ok?" I nod.

"Sounds like a date counselor." I laugh as we get into my car. The rest of the ride is filled with pointless yet comfortable chatter and I drop her off with the promise to return the next day. I wait for her to make it safely into her apartment building before I drive away.


	3. Chapter 3

I pull up at Kyla's apartment just after 9 and I make my way slowly up the stairs of her building dreading what is ahead. I knock on her door quietly and stuff my hands in my pockets to keep them from shaking. She opens the door and gestures me in silently. I see a box of my things sitting on her kitchen counter.

"Do you want some coffee?" She asks awkwardly standing in front of me as I watch the floor. I shake my head. She frowns. "I think that's everything, if there's anything missing just let me know." I nod.

"Ok." I respond walking over to grab the box.

"Olivia." She pleads grabbing my arm as I turn to leave, the box in my arms. I turn to meet her sad tired eyes. She moves slowly and with hesitance but nothing could have prepared me for the bolt of electricity I feel as she connects our lips. Every cell in my body tells me to pull back, my inner voice is shouting at me to just leave, but I can't. I stand there frozen as we share a passionate kiss. She holds my face in her hands as I try with all my will not to drop the box. I feel her pulling me closer and she lets out a surprised squeal when I bite down slightly on her bottom lip and finally I give in. I push her against the counter, pushing the box over then lifting her easily to sit beside it. I don't take time for the teasing pleasantries as I pull her shirt over her head and fill my hands with her perfect mounds. She moans into me as I cup her through her bra and lets out an exasperated sigh when I move them to her shorts. I slide my hand under her waistband and I'm surprised to find no underwear. Neither of us make a sound as I play her body like a violin, drawing out all of the beautiful and heartfelt sounds with my expert fingers. She moves with the slow and taunting rhythm as I draw out every last breath in her body as she jumps over the peak of ecstasy. I pull my hand from her shorts as she sits there wordless, her chest heaving and a sheen of sweat on her forehead. I hold back my tears as I, again, pick up the box and make my way to the door. She says nothing as I walk out for the last time.

"Hey." Casey greets me as she moves aside to let me into her apartment.

"Hi." I respond looking around as she closes the door behind me. Her apartment is much more homey than I expected it to be. There are pictures everywhere of what I assume is her family and her brown over-stuffed couch looks super inviting as I make my way over to sit.

"How did it go this morning?" She asks sitting next to me. The smell of lunch cooking makes my stomach growl.

"Not what I expected." I answer as she pours both of us a glass of wine from the bottle on the coffee table.

"What did you expect it to be like?" She questions handing me one of the glasses.

"She hands me the box and I leave." I sip.

"What did you get?"

"I fucked her on her kitchen counter and left." I answer bluntly.

"You got your stuff though I hope?" She responds jokingly. I can't help but to laugh.

"Why of course." I answer with a sad smile.

"How did that make you feel?" She asks caringly.

"Like a cheap used whore." I respond resting my elbow on the back of the couch as I turn to face her.

"You are neither of those things." She rests her hand on my arm. "You simply did what you've always wanted to and it's not all on you she is at fault too."

"I didn't have to give in. I could have easily walked away and I didn't. I stayed and made a huge mistake."

"You don't really think it was a mistake." She states not bothering to phrase it as a question. I shake my head.

"Nothing involving her in my life is a mistake. Really the only mistake that has taken place is in my part for being so stupid and letting my heart take control of everything." She rubs my arm.

"The heart wants what the heart wants." She whispers. "Come on, lunch is ready." She smiles pulling me up and into the kitchen where she has set the small table in her breakfast nook. She gestures for me to sit.

"It smells amazing." I compliment her as she opens the oven and grabs an oven mit.

"I hope you don't mind lasagna." She smiles putting it on the counter and tossing the salad. I shake my head.

"Of course not. Do you need some help?" I offer as she brings over the salad and dressings before going back over to the counter.

"No. It's not that much." She adds bringing over the lasagna and sitting across from me. "Help yourself." She smiles. We serve ourselves and I prepare myself for the awkward silence but I'm surprised when it never comes and she instead begins a new conversation. "So what were your plans for the rest of the day?" She asks casually nibbling on a piece of lettuce.

"I actually hadn't thought about that." I answer honestly taking a bite of the lasagna.

"Well how about you come with me to pick out a dress for this thing I have next month?" She asks quietly.

"Really?" I question shocked. She shrugs.

"Sure. I have to go later anyway I might as well have some company." She smiles.

"Ok." I respond. Still surprised.

"And if it isn't pushing it maybe we can have dinner too." She adds hesitantly.

"Only if you let me pay counselor." I answer sipping my wine. She laughs.

"I have no objections to that." We finish our lunch in moderate silence and when we are finished I happily help her to do the dishes.

It takes us four long hours to find a dress she is satisfied with and by the time we go for dinner we have settled into an easy bantering. We joke and laugh with each other and my heart crushing morning is soon long from my mind as she fills it with happy thoughts.

"I had a really nice time today Casey thanks." I say quietly as she walks me to my car next to her building.

"Thanks for dinner." She laughs. "We really should do this more often, I never would have guessed we'd have such a great time together." She comments as we stop next to my car and I pull out my keys.

"I wouldn't have either." I smirk unlocking my car. "Maybe drinks on Tuesdays?"

"Sounds like a plan." She smiles, patting me on the shoulder as I open my car door.

"I'll see you bright and early Monday morning counselor." I say getting into my car. She waves as I drive away. _Could this be the start of something new? _I think to myself as I make my way to the other side of town. _Don't make this into something it's not._ My voice of reason takes over. I shake my head to myself as I continue my drive, a mind full of desperate thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

I make my way happily up the stairs of the attorneys' office and easily find the one I'm looking for. I tap quietly on the door, the two cups of coffee balanced in my hands. Her soft reply from inside signals a warranted entrance.

"Good morning Counselor." I greet her, kicking the door softly shut and handing her one of the steaming cups.

"Well good morning Detective. To what do I owe this visit?" She jokes smiling and taking a long sip of the brown liquid, I do the same. The strong flavor tames my tongue as I sit on the edge of her desk next to her arm.

"I just thought you might need some coffee." I answer slyly, looking over the several folders stacked haphazardly on her desk. "Looks like I was right." I smile.

"You are a life saver." She responds in mock annoyance.

"So any progress on the Howard case?" I ask quietly taking in her tired eyes as she continues to study a file in front of her.

"Dad's a druggie, mom's a hooker, kid's been tossed around from foster home to foster home. There's an endless list of people to be looking at." She says furrowing her brow.

"What about school? Bus drivers? Teachers?" I question hopefully.

"All came up clean. The only hit we got was a janitor for an apartment building where he used to stay but there's no connection to the Jones'."

"What did you find?"

"Got caught with a minor, charges were dropped though. Doesn't say why."

"Well the guys and I'll go check him out." I respond standing and making my way back to the front of her desk. "I'll let you know if we find anything." I add as she watches me make my way back out of the office.

The day goes by fairly quickly and we are able to progress massively in our current case. Casey and I don't get to see much of each other throughout the day but there is no surprise when I hear that familiar sound of heals clicking down the hall. I keep my eyes glued to the paper work at hand as I feel her make her way over to my desk, greeting the others on the way.

"Good afternoon Detective." She greets me coolly, perching herself at the edge of my desk, much like I had earlier.

"Counselor." I wink.

"Say, I know it's only Monday but what do you say we stop off for a night cap?" She asks. For the first time I notice her dark jacket over her arm and her bag over her shoulder.

"Sounds like it could be fun." I answer with a smile. "Just let me wrap up on this last report." She nods her response. "So where we going?" I ask after finishing up and pulling on my brown leather jacket.

"I was thinking my place." She says with a smile as we step on to the elevator.

Her apartment is easily becoming more and more familiar to me as I make my way into the comfy nest. I follow her into the kitchen and make myself at home, taking a seat at her island as she pulls two beers from the fridge and places on in front of me.

"It has been a long day." She responds stepping out of her perfect heals and moving over to the stereo.

"I agree." I comment following her into the living room and making myself comfortable on her amazing couch. She sets the stereo on a jazz station and I see her close her eyes as she takes in the mellow tune. "I must say counselor, you have me a bit surprised." She chuckles.

"I happen to love jazz. It's just so different." She adds swaying to the music.

"I pegged you for more of a classical girl." I laugh.

"Well Detective I'm full of surprises." She smiles.

"That you are." I nod, sipping my beer as she does the same.

"Dance?" She questions setting her beer down on the coffee table. I think on it for a second.

"Ok." I smile as she gives me a hand. Again I am being led as she moves us to the eclectic and soothing rhythm of the music. I rest my head on her shoulder as she rests her hand easily on my lower back. I take in her floral scent as we continue to move and I feel her breath on my neck as she turns her head slightly. She hums along.

"This is nice." She comments after a long while of silence. I nod, not really trusting my voice. "So how are things with Kyla?" She questions.

"We haven't spoken since that day." I answer honestly.

"Maybe that's what's best." She responds.

"Yeah." I agree as the song ends. I expect her to let me go but instead she holds me steady as we wait for the next song to start. The silence is so thick you could cut it with a nice and I swear I can feel her heart beating against my own chest as we stand in the silence. As the next song begins, I turn my head slowly to find that she is already looking at me, or should I say at my lips?

"You hungry?" She says quickly, taking her eyes away from my lips and looking into my eyes.

"I could eat." I answer regretfully as she breaks our embrace and makes her way into the kitchen.

"Chinese ok?" She questions pulling a take-out menu from a kitchen drawer. I smile and nod.

"You know me so well." She laughs.

Our night goes by quickly but with such amusement and I almost hate that we both have work in the morning. We part with promises to meet the next day and I make my way back to my own empty apartment. _Damnit Liv, don't go falling too hard. _I think to myself as I finally lay down in bed. I sleep peacefully and uneventfully.


	5. Chapter 5

A week has passed and she and I have spent every day getting to know each other better. Whether it's at her place, mine, a local cop bar, or another night club, we spend almost every moment not spent on work together.

She laughs lightly at the newly released comedy on TV and I smile as she rests her head on my shoulder. The sexual tension between us, though having become increasingly more obvious, doesn't seem to effect either of us as we both enjoy the closeness.

"You know I actually thought this movie would suck." She says matter of factly.

"It sounds like you're enjoying it though." I state, sipping my beer.

"I am." She responds reaching for the throw on the end of my couch.

"Well I'm glad." I smile as she pulls a pillow into my lap and places her head on it. I feel my body go rigid.

"Are you ok with this?" She asks after a moment, looking up to meet my eyes. I simply nod. I admire her boldness but if only she knew the thoughts going through my mind. My phone buzzes loudly on the table next to me and I stretch to retrieve it.

"Hello?" I answer it, not bothering to check my caller ID.

_"Hey." _A soft response comes a little while later.

"Kyla." I state feeling my heart begin to beat faster.

_"How are you?" _She asks awkwardly.

"I'm great, how have you been?" I respond watching Casey sit up and pause the movie.

_"I've been good." _She answers. _"Are you busy?" _She questions after a moment of silence.

"Yeah actually." I sigh. "What's up?"

_"If you're busy it could wait." _She responds sounding slightly scared.

"It's fine." I state blankly.

_"Can we meet somewhere?" _She mumbles. _"I really don't want to say this over the phone." _I look to my lap as Casey rubs my shoulder comfortingly.

"I don't think that would be a good idea." I answer as memories from our last meeting begin to flood my brain. I close my eyes and try to push them back.

_"Please Olivia." _She begs. _"I know now that I've screwed up. I don't deserve you and that's something we both know but please just hear me out." _She tries again. I take a deep breath.

"We can meet tomorrow at O'Connor's. I only have about half an hour to spare so it'll have to be quick." I respond flat out. "Twelve o'clock."

_"Thank you." _She says sounding relieved. _"I promise it'll be fast."_

"Ok." I say blankly, staring at the frozen TV screen.

_"I'll see you then." _She says eagerly as I disconnect the call.

"You ok?" Casey questions continuing to rub my back and shoulders.

"Yeah." I whisper.

"We can talk about it." She offers.

"No, I'm fine." I answer, looking back up and taking the remote into my hands. She watches me with a worried look as I unpause the movie and perch my feet up on the coffee table. She slowly but surely resumes her place on my lap and I easily rest my hand on her back as we finish the movie.

"You sure you're ok?" She asks once again as we share a container of Cookies and Cream ice cream.

"Yes." I reply curtly, digging out another spoon full.

"So, I think the guys are starting to suspect something." She says, changing the subject.

"Oh?" I question.

"I mean I guess it's nothing crazy but they have been giving us this look I've noticed." She giggles.

"What kind of look?"

"Like they know that we've been spending so much time with each other."

"Well there's nothing wrong with two friends spending a little quality time together, right?" I respond watching a piece of cookie settle on her upper lip as she spoons the frozen treat haphazardly into her mouth. I wipe it away with my thumb.

"No." She counters as we lock eyes.

"Exactly." I smile wiping my hand on a napkin. We finish our ice cream and I notice that she finds any way possible to get more of the sticky frozen substance on her face and I don't hesitate to wipe it off. She hugs me goodnight as I walk her downstairs to her car and we share a heated look as I almost lean in to kiss her. _Keep your cool._ We part for the night and settle on plans to meet for lunch the upcoming Monday.

I make my way into the cozy Irish pub as the Sunday crowd begins to pour in after various church services and I easily find the familiar face among the unknown faces at the back. I make my way over to her and we exchange a nod as I slide into the booth in front of her.

"Thank you so much for coming." She smiles. "I know you're busy so I'll try to get to the point quickly." I nod, doubting the full strength of my own voice. "I love you Olivia." She blurts. I hold back any response. "I always have." She smiles sadly. "I didn't know how to tell you and I wasn't sure for the longest if it was real but," She pauses. "It doesn't seem to be changing so I guess it is." Her voice starts to tremble on the last words. "I can't actually picture living in a world where you didn't exist." I watch as she slowly loses the battle with her tears and I silently hand her a few tissues from the dispenser. "Thanks." She states blotting her eyes. "I told myself on the ride over here that I wouldn't do this." She laughs. "I'm just a big baby."

"There's nothing wrong with a few tears every now and then." I finally say after a moment. "I've shed a couple million myself. There's no shame in being human." I add.

"But you keep it together so well." She responds sniffling.

"Not always." I admit. "Working at the SVU has all but kept me together. It tears you down until you can't even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore." She nods. "I came today because I didn't want to end things the way they happened." I hint. "And you deserve a proper goodbye." She frowns. "I want you so badly that it physically hurts me." I admit. "But you don't love me the same way." She begins to shake her head slowly. "I don't want to cause you so much pain and my being here is doing just that." I continue. "We need to move on."

"Olivia please." Her frown deepens.

"I don't want you to have to choose." I smile sadly. "So I'm going to choose for you."

"You don't have to." She tries again.

"Please don't make this harder." I begin to beg myself. She looks defeated and I want so badly to hold her for one last time before I leave but I decide against it.

"Just answer me this." She mumbles as I prepare to leave. I turn to face her.

"If I had just been a week earlier, would you still be doing this?"

"Did I have a chance a week ago?" I counter. She looks away. _Just what I thought. _I catch her eye one last time before I make my way back into the afternoon sunlight. Casey is waiting in her car right in front and I take refuge in the confines of her luxurious automobile. "Take me home." I whisper at the brink of tears.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Author's note: You guys still with me? Sorry for the delays. It has been hell this past few months. I'm gonna try and be more consistent (I know I've said it before but I'm gonna try to keep it up this time.) and hopefully my schedule won't do a complete 360. For those of you who are still with me, thanks for the support. I appreciate it. If there are any new readers, join the club! As always, reviews are welcome and I'm open to any suggestions. Enough of my blubbering, happy reading! :)**_

"Hey." I see her smiling from beside me as I stir from my brief slumber.

"Hey." I respond, pulling the cover further over me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She says, rubbing my arm comfortingly.

"What time is it?" I respond, brushing off the question. She smacks my arm playfully and I barely dodge it under the covers.

"It's just after one." She laughs relaxing back into the headboard.

"Thanks for being here." I smile, turning over to watch her flip through the channels.

"What are friends for?" She smirks.

"I think we've made it past the friend phase." I answer honestly.

"Oh really?" She questions settling on some doctor show.

"Mhm." I respond resting on my side and placing my head in my hand.

"Then what are we?" She smiles.

"I think I would say we are right on the line between friends and friends with benefits." She finally looks me in the eye.

"Do you now?" She questions grabbing my other hand as I walk my fingers over to her. She places it to her lips.

"I do." I respond as she places the softest kiss to my skin. I suppress a moan.

"Are you ready to cross that line Liv?" She asks seriously. I nod slowly.

"I think so." I answer as she intertwines our fingers.

"How about we take this slowly then my friend?" She says sliding down and lying next to me.

"Slow is fine." I respond as I watch her lick her lips. She slowly moves towards me and our lips make the slightest of contact. "Come on, you gotta do better than that." I whisper against her mouth, eyes closed. She catches me in a fierce kiss with bruising force and it takes me a moment to kiss back but when I do it results in a battle of tongue and teeth. Her hands roam all over my covered body and I feel her annoyance when she begins to pull at the blanket. I catch her hand with my own and pin them above us as I slow the kiss. "Well then." I smile, opening my eyes to her panting form.

"That was nice." She chuckles. I follow up with a series of quick pecks, one longer, one shorter, a little more tongue.

"I agree." I comment matter of factly. "I've wanted to do that for so long." I say as she gets her hands free and runs her fingers through my hair.

"Why didn't you then?" She asks smiling. "I would have gladly taken your mind off of your troubles."

"I'll try to remember that next time." I hiss as she nips at a sensitive spot on the side of my neck.

"We have to take it slow right?" She groans finding another spot just above my cleavage. I gasp for air as she tongues the spot.

"Yes. Slow." I pant as she continues her teasing. She lets out an exasperated sigh as she pulls away. I examine her jawline as her red locks fall around us like a protective barrier.

"I might have to eat my own words." She smiles capturing my lips in another heated kiss.

"That you will." I respond after she breaks it.

We sit in the back of a small Chinese restaurant that we found on one of our walks not far from my apartment and I examine her openly as she looks over the large menu.

"You know, you're gonna have to stop staring right?" She smiles.

"Not necessarily." I smirk as she continues to read over the food items.

"Do you at least know what you want?" She questions looking up to meet my eyes. I raise a brow. "Don't answer that." She adds not missing a beat.

"The shrimp in lobster sauce sounds tasty." I sip my water as she finally closes the menu.

"Hmm." She smiles. "I thought so too." I look out the window to our right and I can feel her watching me. "So, do you wanna tell me what happened this morning or do I need to beat it out of you?" She jokes.

"She said she loved me." I answer quietly playing at the droplets of water on the side of my water glass.

"How did that make you feel?" She asks pulling my hands from the glass and wrapping her own around them.

"Stupid." I answer honestly. "You'd think by my age I'd have it all figured out." I laugh sadly. "Just a warning for you now," I start "This whole relationship thing does not get easier with age." She laughs.

"So I've seen."

"But you're young, you still have time for screw ups." I comment, finally acknowledging the thirteen year age difference. She shrugs.

"I guess we all have something to learn." She responds just as our waitress, Kelly, comes back to the table for our orders. We order our food and after she takes up our menus and leaves the table we sit in a comfortable silence.

"So, you say the guys are giving you a look?" I say after a few minutes.

"I told you about that." She states laughing.

"Yeah you did but I didn't hear about what you said in response." I counter. She smirks.

"I may or may not have dropped a few hints that we were getting close." She mumbles.

"That wouldn't be a lie." I offer.

"No it wouldn't." Our food is placed promptly in front of us and we begin eating with no further teasing. I enjoy all the little noises she makes as she takes the succulent shrimp between her perfect lips. _Those lips._

"So it would be a good bet to say that we will become regulars here?" I smile around a bite. She nods in appreciation.

"Damn straight." She continues chewing. _Despite her being substantially younger I think I could actually get on board with this whole cougar thing. She's adorable, kissable, and supportive. What's not to like about this red headed beauty?_

"I'll grab a menu on our way out." I say in response as we both finish up. She flashes me that amazing smile. _Gosh, that smile. I hate having to actually think over my feelings, it makes me feel so weak and pitiful. I have to actually face what's wrong with me and then share with others. Ughhh. Why couldn't things get a little easier?_


	7. Chapter 7

_**AN at the end!**_

"So you wanna tell me what's going on with you and Casey?" Fin asks from the driver's seat as we make our way to the ME's office to meet with Warner, it being his turn to fill in for Elliot.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I comment taking a sip from my steaming cup of coffee. I see him smirk out of the corner of my eye.

"Yeah, ok." He responds sounding as though he wouldn't believe me in a million years."Seems to me that you two been getting awful friendly lately." He adds. I try to cover the blush I can feel creeping over my cheeks.

"What are Munch and Elliot saying?" I question as I spot the office straight ahead.

"Oh, so there is something you're not telling us then?" He smiles.

"I just need to know what kind of rumors I'm up against." I respond trying to keep my control over the situation. He parks the car and turns to me as I remove my seat belt.

"They see it too. I'm mean come on, how many times this week has she taken you out to lunch? Car pooling? Really? You barely like riding with your own partner and just from the welcome she got when Cabot left, you didn't seem to take much of a shine to her." I scoff. "Now either you have liked her all along and you just didn't want to admit it or you two have suddenly become real friendly." He hints.

"You guys are nuts." I laugh opening the passanger side door and stepping out onto the sidewalk.

"And yet I hear no denial coming from your direction." He states matter of factly as we close our doors and veture further into the moving bodies on the sidewalk, the door to the building a short ten feet away. We make our way inside and directly to the familiar room, Melinda standing there waiting.

"Good afternoon detectives." She smiles picking up a file from a near by table. "It looks like our victim was sexually active before her death and we were able to find a match." Fin and I share a look of relief.

"What we got?" He asks as she hands him the open file and I move to his side to take a look.

"The perp and the victim were related." She responds as we look at the results of the DNA test.

"Her father?" I ask feeling slightly sick.

"His DNA was in the system from a domestic violence dispute three years ago." She states placing her hands in the pockets of the white lab jacket.

"Looks like he has some explaining to do." Fin comments, closing the file and sitting it on the table to our right. "Thanks Warner." He adds as we turn to leave.

"Oh, Detective Benson." She calls after us as I grab the handle to the door. I turn to meet her eyes.

"Yeah?" I answer.

"Word around the office is that you and Novak have been getting mighty friendly... Care to comment?" She jokes. I roll my eyes and suppress the urge to flip her the bird as I follow a chuckling Fin to the car.

"Does anything stay private these days?" I question once we make it into the car, our seatbelts on.

"Liv, any fool with eyes can see whatever it is going on between you and Casey." He starts, starting the car and putting it into drive. "Hey, there's no judgment coming from here babygirl just as long as you're happy." He adds putting his hands up in a surrendering fashion. I pick up my still warm coffee and place it to my lips as we pull into traffic.

We wrap up our Wednesday evening not so promptly, the victim's dad lawyering up the moment we get him to the squadroom and more suggesting evidence coming out of the woodworks. I manage to make it home shortly after three in the morning, orders to take the following Thursday off in my mind, and strip completely before falling into bed.

Buzzz buzzz buzzz. _What in hell is that noise? _I think to myself as I'm pulled from a deep sleep. Buzzz buzzz buzzz. I roll over hard, searching for the source of the annoying buzzing sound. My phone. I search for it on the side of my bed, finding it under the nightstand and answering.

"Hello?" I question, voice hoarse and eyes heavy.

"Good morning Detective." I hear on the other end.

"What time is it?" I ask recognizing Casey's voice.

"Just after noon. Are you still in bed?" She questions.

"No," I start. "I was just resting my eyes." I answer turning over to see the clock. She laughs.

"I just called to let you know that the father confessed. Says the daughter wanted to end things and move on with her life, he wouldn't let her." I shake my head.

"Just awful." I respond clearing my throat.

"Yeah, some people just don't get it." She states. "What time did you get home last night?"

"I don't know... maybe three." I answer, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

"The rest of my schedule is clear today, how about I bring over chinese and a movie?" She asks sounding hopeful.

"I would actually love that." I smile. My stomach makes a loud grumble.

"Good. I'll see you in a bit." She answers. We disconnect the call and drag myself from the bed and into the bathroom for a shower.

_**Author's note: Hey guys! I am so sorry for the wait... I have no good reason for the delay other than life getting in the way. I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew in a way, but I'm in too deep at this point so I atleast owe it to my readers to try and keep this up. I think I'm gonna try and make this a 20 chapter deal... I think... I'm still trying to figure out how I'd like things to progress and I am open to ideas. Hope you enjoyed and as usual, reviews are welcome! :)**_


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey!" She greets me with an overly enthusiastic manner and a wide grin on her lips as I open the door and move to the side. "I brought your favorite." She comments making her way into my kitchen and placing the two medium sized take-out bags on the counter by the stove.

"Really?" I question in mock excitement. My shower having woken me up but not taken away the splitting headache that could either be from my lack of sleep or the lack of food. She laughs pulling the containers from the bags and spreading them over the counter top.

"Beef and broccoli, fried rice, shrimp egg rolls. I even got them to throw in an order of teriyaki beef sticks for free." She winks as my stomach makes yet another loud grumble. "Looks like I was right on time." She comments searching for plates in my cabinets.

"Top left above the stove." I comment watching her scramble, though I don't understand why considering all the time she's spent in my appartment. She nods taking my directions and reaching for two large plates. "I could kiss you right now, I'm so hungry." I moan walking over to the small kitchen table and taking a seat as she plates the food for the both of us.

"I could totally arrange that." She smiles sitting one of the plates in front of me and taking her seat to my right. I lean into her shoulder and breath in her floral scent just as my lips connect with her neck. "But we should eat first." She adds, taking a bite of a thick pork dumpling.

"It can wait." I respond in a dismissive manner licking the smooth skin beneath my lips. My stomach makes its presence known yet again and I'm forced to pull away, forking a piece of broccoli into my mouth.

"When was the last time you ate?" She asks around another dumpling. I take a moment to think, breaking my egg roll in half and inspecting the insides.

"I don't know." I start. "Maybe yesterday morning." I continue. "I had a doughnut." I smile taking a bite of the egg roll. She shakes her head.

"That's not healthy."

"I had an orange juice too." I answer with a frown.

"What would you do without me?" She smiles. "I don't think you'd ever have any real food in your refrigerator if it weren't for me doing all your shopping."

"And I am very appreciative." I finish one half of my egg roll and start on the other half.

"Oh, I'm sure." She answers sarcastically swirling noodles around her fork. A quite knock on my door pulls me from the food trance I find myself in as my stomach is finally being satisfied. "Are you expecting company?" She asks, standing to get the door. I shake my head.

"Not that I know of. All of the guys would be at home right now enjoying their day off." She opens the door and though the door blocks my view, I can tell that I won't be happy about what's on the other side. I stand and make my way to her side. My stomach beginning to turn.

"So, she's my replacement?" The tall blonde comments as I place my hands on my hips.

"Excuse me-" Casey starts before I place my hand on her shoulder, halting her words. It had been two weeks, maybe closer to three, since Kyla and I spoke and if I were to be honest, I didn't mind it at all. Her standing there in the hall of my appartment building, hair pulled back into a loose bun, her work outfit of black slacks and a deep blue silk blouse still on, made my blood boil.

"I'm sorry, you must not know this but I am an adult and who I take for comany has nothing to do with you." I respond after reigning in my temper, my thoughts going haywire. "As far as her being your replacement," I nod towards the annoyed looking redhead to my right. "I could never replace you. Sadly, noone goes around looking for selfish and inconsiderate people to replace the last." I add with a hint of ice. The look of hurt on her face causes me to instantly regret my words.

"You don't mean that." She states through tears.

"Showing up here doesn't really help your case Kyla." I respond matter of factly.

"I broke up with him." She frowns harder as a tear streaks her cheek, landing on her bouse. "I couldn't keep lying to myself, and I knew it wasn't going to work. I was just trying to find a way to fight my lonliness." _What about me? _I shake my head.

"Why are you here?" I ask as Casey moves from my side and makes her way back into the kitchen.

"I wanted to see you." She sniffs. "I don't want our friendship to end and I know you said it should, but I know you don't really want that." _Don't I? _

"You might as well let her in Liv." Casey calls over her shoulder, flipping through a magazine on the island our food totally forgotten on the kitchen table. My stomach begins to grumble it's displeasure. "You don't want your neighbors knowing all your business." She adds. Rather than speak, I move aside letting her in and closing the door softly behind her.

"What do you know about what I want?" I question, folding my arms over one of Casey's Harvard sweat shirts as I leave her standing by the door and make my way back to my previous position of standing in front of her.

"I could see it in your eyes. The way you made love to me-"

"That was a cheap fuck on your kitchen counter." I cut her off. Her tears continue in a steady stream.

"Olivia why are you doing this?" The way my name rolls off her tongue... _So many conflicting thoughts at once._

"I need to move on. So do you. It was fun for a while but I can't keep doing this to myself. I put my heart through so much extra shit and for what? You won't love me back and it's time that I accept that."

"But I do." She counters, voice cracking.

"Not in that way." I hiss. "Please. I am begging you, please let me move on."

"What about me?" She stands there like a defeated soldier in battle, a scolded child who has just gotten caught drawing on the walls, someone who has had their entire life taken away in one instant and it's all because of me. I finally bow my head. It feels like an elephant has made hisself at home on my chest and I struggle to keep my breathing even.

"I think it's time that you leave." I feel Casey by my side, her hand on my lower back.

"Olivia?" Kyla questions, ignoring the redheads statement. I turn away, facing my living room to the left of us. "Olivia?" She says again, this time more sternly.

"Please, just go." I sniff, tears threatening to spill from my own eyes. I refuse to look in her direction for the fear of breaking down completely. She says nothing else. I hear the door open and shut soon after. The tension in the room could truely be cut with a knife if I tried but the only thing I wanted was standing by me. I can feel her heat as she turns me into her. I burry my face in the crook of her neck as she holds me in a secure embrace.

"She's a persistant one." She jokes, stroking my lower back. What starts as a laugh quickly turns into a sob as she leads me over to the couch. She continues to hold me, my head on her shoulder as I continue my blubbering. Never once does she break the physical contact or halt the soothing words and finally when I have managed to pull myself back together she continues to stroke my shoulder and upper arm.

"God is she ever." I comment, voice raspy from crying. My throat stings. "I have some taste in women."

"Hey," She responds in mock offense. "I take offense in that." She smiles, seeing the smirk on my face. "I think I'm pretty good." She adds.

"Of course you are." I sniff. She reaches for a Kleenex from the end table to her right and hands it to me. "Thank you." I answer seriously, wiping my nose. "For everything." She scoffs.

"Of course." She strokes the side of my face with her finger.

"There were some many other ways that could have been handled and not a lot would have chosen such a nice one as you had. I really appreciate your understanding." I comment looking deep into those green eyes. Her eyes lower to my lips.

"What are friends for?" She questions, leaning in and pressing our lips together...

**Author's note: Life has really gotten to me. I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to find my groove. I got lucky this past week and it struck at just the right moment but this chapter itsself took two days to complete. The story is slightly autobiographical, some of these events have actually happened and so this is my most personal story. My muse and I have finally parted ways but I will continue to write the blossoming relationship between Liv and Casey. I hope you guys are still there... Thanks for taking your time to read and as always, I love a review or two to let me know how it was. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

My tears continue to fall even after I step under the constant spray of my shower head. They mix and mingle with the water dropletts as they all make their way down my body. I couldn't actually say what it was that made the crying start in the first place... could it have been Casey's passionate love making and soothing words before and after or the idea that I have just permanently closed a chapter of my ever changing life? I have no idea. I feel hands wrap around me and cup both of my breasts. My nipples instantly harden under their touch.

"Did I wake you?" I ask, feeling guilty for interrupting my red headed lover's slumber.

"Of course not, honey." She answers coming around me so that the water is hitting her back and we are face to face. "I was wondering where you were." She smiles softly. "You ok?" I nod.

"Yeah, just thinking."

"You have to make yourself happy first." She comments. "No one will be with you as long as you will be with yourself and your mental and physical health comes first." She pauses. "Besides, you can't be expected to fix everyone else when you aren't even whole yourself."

"I know." I answer as yet another tear streaks my already wet cheek.

"Come here." She urges, opening her arms to accomidate my body. She holds me there, our naked bodies pressed together as she rocks me from side to side. "It'll be ok, honey. I promise." I nod against her shoulder enjoying the water as it pours over the top of my head.

We stand in the shower for only a few minutes longer, taking turns washing and wrinsing off before we dry each other and make our way back into my bedroom where we snuggle up under the covers.

"Geez, it's way past my bedtime." I comment raising my head from her bare chest to look at the clock on my nightstand. 3:45 am.

"I guess you better lay back down then." She jokes, her voice already full of impending sleep. I chuckle.

"Thank you Casey." I respond in all seriousness.

"For?" She questions.

"Being here and helping me." She scoffs.

"What are girlfriends for?" She counters. "Now, please go to sleep. I can't have you half asleep at a crime scene." She adds.

"Goodnight.

"Night.

000000000

I sit my third cup of coffee on my desk on the way to Elliot's, my late night with Casey as well as it being a Monday having taken it's toll on my already fatigued body.

"Damn Liv, you sure have been knocking those back, you getting enough sleep baby girl?" Fin comments as I place a file in Elliot's waiting hand.

"Yeah." I answer sheepishly. "Just a rough weekend. I'll be alright."

"I though the father said he's never been in trouble with the law." Elliot comments looking at the file I handed him containing the criminal records and recent mugshot of our latest victims father.

"I guess he didn't realise that meant other states as well. This is from Kansas, he got popped for possesion and intent to sell to a minor."

"Huh." Fin moans. "I wonder what else the sleaze ball is holding back."

"Whatever it is, it can wait, we got another victim." The captain interjects, coming from his office. We all share a look before each grabbing our coats and making our way to the elevator. I can already feel the three cups of coffee begin to boost my energy.

000000000

"So, you wanna tell me what's been eating you?"

"What are you talking about?" I ask as I rest my forhead against the cool window.

"Ever since we left the hospital, you've been in a sour mood. What's up?" Elliot questions as we continue with the flow of traffic.

"I don't know El. It's just something about the girl's grandfather that rubbed me the wrong way." I respond after a few moments if silence.

"You think he had something to do with it?" He asks, stopping at yet another red light.

"Damnit, what's with these red lights?" I question annoyed. "Yeah, maybe." I add addressing his question.

"Whatever happened with you and that girl you were seeing?" He asks furrowing his brow. I shrug my shoulders, the leather of my jacket slightly restricting.

"Nothing." I respond simply as the car begins to move again. We finish out the ride back to the precinct in total silence, the red lights still managing to catch us every other block. I step out of the car first, spotting the red head standing by the steps looking as sexy as ever in a dark grey pantsuit, her navy blue peacoat accenting her figure perfectly.

"Novak, to what do we owe this pleasure?" Elliot asks as he gets out of the car, I make my way to stand by her. We share a look.

"I was actually here to take your partner to lunch." She smiles stepping slightly closer so that our shoulders are touching. A look of utter shock crosses his face, but it doesn't stay there for long as he makes his way over to us.

"Really?" He smiles. "You sure? She's been in a terrible mood all day." He comments. She looks at me with a smirk.

"I think I can handle her." Elliot throws his hands up in mock surrender.

"Fine, suit yourself... but don't say I didn't warn you." He adds over his shoulder as he enters the building.

"You ready detective?" She asks, looping our arms.

"Yes counselor, I do believe I am." I smile as she and I begin to walk in the direction of one of our favorite diners.

"So, what's going on?" She questions in her deep sultry voice.

"I guess I'm just tired." I shrug.

"I suppose that's my fault." She hints. I chuckle and wipe my tired eyes with the back of my free hand.

"I would totally do it all over again though, for furture references." She laughs. "Certain parts of it atleast." She snorts.

"I misssed you." She admits in a slight whisper after a little while.

"Really?" I answer, biting on my bottom lip.

"Yes, really." She blushes. "We've spent so much time together over the past month or two and, you know, I'm starting to feel your absence when we're apart." I nod. "Is that weird?" She asks as I spot the eatery up ahead. I shake my head.

"Of course not." I answer. "I actually kinda feel the same." I feel her grip on my arm tighten a bit as we make it to the door of the diner and I pull it open, allowing her to go first. We make our way to the only available booth to the back and easily slide onto the leather like seats. Before I have the chance to really get comfotable in my seat or even pick up the menu for that matter, I can feel the sudden wetness and sting of water and ice hitting the side of my face.

"You bitch!" A familiar voice yells from my left as I blink away the water, my mouth forming an 'o' as the icy liquid makes it down the front of my blouse...

**Author's note: Duh duh duhhhhh! I'm going to make this short, sweet, and to the point. life happened. School happened. Work happened, and then there was no time for writing. Sleep and food became my main priorities. I hope I still have some fans out there. Lord knows y'all can't count on me to update regularly. All I can promise is that I will update... eventually. Leave me a review or shoot me a message, tell me what you think! Thanks for reading! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note: This one is for DaughterOfHades7, I normally try to do things to accommodate my reader's ideas and requests, but you should know that this chapter is especially for you and I. We deserve more. You deserve more. Enjoy the read!**

Though her chosen weapon is water, I can smell the strong stench of alcohol before I even see the face of the bold patron.

"You have got to be kidding me." I hear Casey sigh as I hear shuffling and feel something, I assume is napkins, being placed in my hand.

"She IS my replacement." She yells at the side of my head as I dab at the cold liquid causing my nerves to be on overdrive.

"Kyla... nice seeing you too." I comment dryly, dropping the soaked napkins on the table top and moving to slide out of the booth.

"Do they not have a cut off limit for alcohol here?" Casey comments as I watch her take in the train wreck standing next to our table. The dark smudged eyeliner under her eyes and wrinkled clothes tell me that she more than likely spent her night, and morning, getting hammered in some worn down bar.

"Let's just go." I answer, watching the other people begin to turn in their seats to see the spectacle unfold.

"You don't get to run away." She slurs, close at our heals as I follow Casey back out of the diner.

"Kyla, honey, you need to go home. Do you want me to get you a cab?" I ask looking around for any vacant taxis... none.

"I'm not going anywhere." She shoots back.

"Liv, let's just go, she can take care of herself." My red head comments, pulling at my arm.

"What do you want from me?" I ask, finally getting annoyed. The water only waking me up. I pull my arm from Casey's grip.

"I want you." She slurs, a look of sheer honesty on her face. I look to the ground. Her face makes me want to cry myself, but right now I need to be strong.

"And you had me." I answer. "But I refuse to put my life on hold for someone that can never love me back. I have told you this and I'm starting to think you'll never get it. You don't get to have it both ways, either you want me or you don't. I won't be here forever. I gave you my all and all you've done is stick my heart at the bottom of your shoe." The people that pass by give us odd looks but none of them take enough interest to stop and watch, making us the only ones standing outside of the eatery during lunch hour. Casey stands slightly behind me, her arms crossed over her chest. "Never once in this entire thing did you ever stop to think of what I felt. You never thought about my feelings, it was only what made you uncomfortable, what you needed, how you felt, your own self-consciousness. I tried to make you believe that I would never hurt you and I tried to make you believe that I only wanted you only to get mistreated in return. But I kept coming back!" I shout, watching her jump slightly. "I kept coming back because I loved you and you were too self-involved to see what was standing right there in front of you. I stood by and watched my life pass by hoping that one day you'd come to your senses, but you didn't and now that I've moved on you can't stand it."

"I couldn't accept who I was. I was scared." She counters, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I was scared too Kyla!" I put my hands up in surrender. "Don't you think I had my own thoughts about all that could go wrong with this?" I scoff. "I've never made it a habit to chase straight girls because all I've learned is how selfish you all seem to be. I won't be your little experiment." I turn to walk away but her hand on my wrist causes me to stop.

"Please?" She whispers... pleads.

"I deserve better." I answer. "I deserve so much better than a person using me for a cheap thrill. Using me to fulfill their own fantasies. Leading me on for their own amusement." I pull my hand away and walk over to Casey's waiting form. I don't look back at her even when she starts to yell, even when she begins to admit her love, even after we turn the corner and I see the station up ahead. Casey immediately takes me into one of the first floor bathrooms, checking under each stall before she locks the door after us.

"Liv?" She whispers as I begin to feel a slight panic attack begin. I put my hands on my head, closing my eyes as the still damp fabric of my blouse sticks to my torso.

"What's wrong with me?" I ask, taking a deep breath as more tears begin to sting my eyes.

"What?" She asks looking at me worriedly as I back into the counter, crossing my arms tight over my chest.

"Why can't anyone love me?" I ask, a lump in my throat.

"Oh, sweetie..." She comes to stand in front of me, her hands on my upper arms. "Of course you're loved." She whispers, dipping her head so that our eyes meet.

"Am I Casey?" I question, feeling my face heat up. "Because it seems lately that people only appreciate me for what they think I am or for what they can turn me into, or what they can get out of me. It's never for ME." I counter.

"Don't let that bitch make you feel like this, that's just another way of giving her control over your life." I sniff, willing myself to hold back the sobs that I know will eventually come. "I love you." She whispers, placing her finger under my chin. "From the moment I laid eyes on you." I shake my head.

"You don't have to say it out of pity."

"And not for what I think you are, or what I can turn you into, or what I can get out of you, but for your smile... your sense of humor, those beautiful brown eyes." She continues matching our eyes. "For how strong you are and how good you are at your job. How well you take to the victims." She smiles. "I don't think I've ever met a person like you in my entire life Olivia and I don't want you to ever think that you can't be loved for you because I can guarantee that you are."

"I'm so exhausted." I finally comment after a few moments, my battle with my tears finally being won. She laughs.

"When you get home tonight, its dinner, a hot bath and then off to bed for you." I nod looking to her ruby red lips. "You want me to go find you something for lunch?" She questions backing up a little when we hear a knock at the door. I shake my head.

"I've lost my appetite." I try a smile. We hear another knock.

"Just a minute!" Casey yells. I smirk as I turn to splash cold water on my face, hoping the redness doesn't last lost and toweling it dry before we make our way out of the ladies' room.

"Hey, Case?" I call after her as we start to go our separate ways, me to the elevator and her back out the doors.

"Yeah Liv?" She answers turning back to me.

"I love you too." I smile, watching a light blush creep over her cheeks. She nods before making her way back onto the busy street.


	11. Chapter 11

_"Hey, Case?" I call after her as we start to go our separate ways, me to the elevator and her back out the doors._

_"Yeah Liv?" She answers turning back to me._

_"I love you too." I smile, watching a light blush creep over her cheeks. She nods before making her way back onto the busy street. _

"Liv? You ok?" I hear from my right as I stare ahead at a chip in the wall.

"Yeah El, I'm fine." I respond snapping out of my temporary trance.

"Did something happen while you were at lunch today?" He asks, a concerned look on his face.

"Why do you ask?" I question looking him in the eye for the first time today. He shrugs.

"I don't know, you just seem off." I shake my head.

"Nah, I'm fine. I think this case is just starting to get to me."

"You know you can talk to me, right?" I smile turning back to the forgotten file on my desk.

"Yes Elliot, I know that I can talk to you." He chuckles.

"Just needed to reiterate." I hear as he begins to rise. "Going to take a leak." He calls over his shoulder as he makes his way in the direction of the restrooms.

My phone begins to buzz in the drawer to my left and I scoot my chair back to get to it. _Kyla's number. _I shake my head and close the drawer once again. I pick up the file and try, once again to read it. The buzzing continues however and I finally grab the phone from the drawer and place the phone to my ear.

"What?"

"Is this Miss Olivia Benson I'm speaking with?" An unfamiliar female voice speaks back.

"Yes, what is this about?" I question beginning to get worried.

"This is Dr. Reyes from Bellevue Hospital." Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my chest, my next breath gets caught in my throat and I struggle to swallow. My head begins to spin.

"How can I help you?" I gasp, my heart feeling like it might shoot from my chest.

"Ms. Barnes was found about half an hour ago roaming around central park. We believe she was assaulted." _Smack._ The harsh reality of my decision stops my breath dead in motion._ What have I done?_ "Your number was on her screen when she was picked up." She continues. "Right now she's in a stable condition, but I would urge you to be here as soon as possible." I nod as if she can see me.

"I'm leaving right now." I comment standing and grabbing my bag from the drawer. I disconnect the call and Elliot gives me a puzzled look as I silently march past him on the way to the elevator. As the doors close I feel like my feet may give out underneath me. Tears begin to sting my eyes as I barely continue to stand as the elevator makes it's decent. I look down at my phone in my hand as I make it to ground floor. I dial Casey's number.

"Novak." She answers on the second ring.

"Casey." I gasp, barely able to speak.

"Liv? What's wrong?" She asks, a hint of worry in her tone.

"She was…. She was assaulted." I barely get out as I fish my car keys from my pocket and make my way around to the driver's side.

"Who?"

"Kyla!" I shout, getting in the car and immediately putting the key in the ignition. It purrs to life. "I shouldn't have just left her there like that."

"Liv-"

"This is all my fault." I cut her off

"Where is she? I'll meet you there."

"Bellevue."

"I'll see you in twenty minutes." She responds, before we disconnect the call.

Half an hour later I find myself standing next to her hospital bed, Casey grasping my hand firmly in her own. I take in the sight in front of me. One of her eyes is swollen shut, obviously having been hit there and her top lip is split. I see bruises on her arms and chest and it takes all I have not to cry. I feel like it's my own fault. I knew I shouldn't have left her there but I did anyway.

"Olivia, this is not your fault." Casey whispers against my ear, obviously sensing my internal distress.

"We shouldn't have left her there."

"She gave you no other option." She hisses. I watch as Kyla begins to come to. She looks at me, an empty look penetrating my own worried stare and I fight myself not to look away.

"Hey." I whisper stepping forward. Letting go of Casey's hand.

"Hi." She whispers back, tears beginning to fill her eyes. "I'm so sorry Olivia." She cries. I shake my head feeling my own tears begin to flow.

"I shouldn't have left you there." I sniff. "I knew you weren't well and I chose to walk away. I didn't even check to make sure that you made it home safely."

"That's not your job." She stops me. "I'm a big girl Olivia and it's not your responsibility to babysit me. I should be able to do this on my own but the fact that I hurt you so badly won't let me live with myself. I should have never treated you the way that I did and I should have never taken advantage of your love for me. I knew that you would do anything for me, your heart won't let you be any other way and I plaid into that. I led you on." I stand there, waiting for her to continue. "You deserve so much better than me, you were right on that. I'm not worthy of your presence and I would have understood if you chose not to come here. I'm in a mess of my own making and it's time for me to face the consequences." She admits. "Last night," She starts. "I didn't know who else to call. I thought I had finally reached the end of my road and I felt that if it was going to be my time the least I could do was make it right with you." I can feel a steady stream of tears coming down my cheeks as Casey rubs my back and shoulders.

"I accept your apology." I respond shakily. "You aren't the only one to blame for this, I have fault in this too and it's time I accept my role in whatever the hell this tragic thing is. You have to move on." I plead. "I have and you should too, find a man that will love you, or a woman." I add. "Don't let what happened between us keep you from living your life or make you feel any less of a human because it happens. I'm going to have my heart broken, you'll have yours broken. We may blame ourselves, and sometimes we'll put it all on the other person, we learn and we continue to live because dwelling on these things will never get us anywhere."

"I want you to know that I do love you." She says. "I have always loved you. I love everything about you. I love your smile, I love your eyes, your sense of humor. Everything. I'm sorry it took me so long to notice that." She looks to Casey who has been quiet the entire visit. "You have one of the most amazing and caring, and loving people I have met in my entire life. I beg of you, treat her right. Love her like she deserves, like I never could. She deserves the world and I know you will give her nothing but the world."

We stay with Kyla for a little while longer, we manage to get in touch with her mother and learn from the nurses that she will be ready for release after two more days of observation, with promises to call me when her mother makes it into the city, Casey and I make our way out of the hospital.

"Are you ok?" She asks me as we walk hand and hand through the parking garage to my car. I shake my head.

"I don't know."

"How about we stay in tonight and watch some movies? Have pizza, a couple of beers?" I stop, taking her other hand into mine.

"I love you so much Casey." She smiles.

"I know honey, I love you too."

"No, I don't think you understand." I add.

"What did I miss?" She questions.

"I'm in love with you. I love you. I can't see myself without you." Her eyes begin to water.

"Olivia I-" She stammers, "I don't know what to say." She smiles before pulling me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her and relish in the scent of her shampoo and perfume. "Let's go home." She whispers against my ear…

**Author's note: I'm going to give you guys the same run down… life happened and I have been having the toughest time trying to find a happy medium. Writing has been on the back burner and I'm trying to be more consistent, but to be honest, I don't see that happening anytime soon. What I can do it try and make the chapters much longer so that at least the wait can be bearable. I'm working on packing in more detail and more occurrences into one chapter so that when you all do have to wait at least it will leave a good taste in your mouths. Hope you all enjoyed! I love reviews. **


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